Warning - this post is going to be incredibly nerdy, contain massive spoilers for age-old material, and is assuming knowledge of these materials.
So, I suppose I've got video games on the brain lately. It was only a year ago (or so) that I was introduced to the works of the Game Overthinker, Yahtzee, Extra Credits and similar videos, websites, etc. on the medium, so I'm rather new to reading about games and what they can accomplish artistically.
This post is not about those sorts of deep speculations.
See, I'm rather poor. Not in poverty or anything - I just don't have any "disposable income" for games or a "steady job" to get "disposable income" for games. I'll pick something up a few years down the line (thank you Amazon, and I'm eyeing you next Lego Harry Potter Years 5-7 - only $14!), but usually cannot purchase games when they are first released. Hell, I had to make the decision to stick with Nintendo, system-wise, about a decade ago because there's no way I can afford more than one system.
Actually, I couldn't even afford the Wii - it was a very generous gift. And my Playstation 2 (that's right, 2) was a hand-me-down.
I guess my preliminary point here is that I am not on the cutting edge of the medium. I am behind, mired in the distant past, replaying old games, then periodically deleting my saved files so I have to play them all over again, occasionally getting a new game to wow me just like it wowed real gamers a few years earlier when it was released. So the idea of writing on something current in the industry is downright laughable and ridiculous for me to even try and accomplish.
But I could easily write about games that I wish they'd make.
Now, before I begin, keep in mind, I am out of the loop. It's entirely possible these games (or aspects of these games) have already been made / are being made / were made decades ago and I missed it. It's also a guarantee that these ideas are entirely unfeasible for production. Doesn't matter - as is usually what happens when I speculate, I'm King of Everything and say "To hell with reality; these games sound cool!"
To me.
So here's what I'd plop down fifty bucks for . . .
And again - Spoilers. And assumption of previous knowledge.
1. A Final Fantasy VI sequel
My wishes were almost made true when a Final Fantasy IV sequel (serialized for a slightly outrageous end price) was made for me to download onto my Wii. I've - uh - yet to finish it, but the amount that I played was more than satisfying. I loved the episodic way the story was told. I enjoyed the familiar, if slightly altered combat. I liked that the story actually went forward, and they didn't do some shitty "Cecil's early days" prequel that would have been entirely inconsequential.
My only beef is that they chose the SECOND best old-school Final Fantasy game. I'm not bashing FFIV - it introduced me to the series; I've played it countless times; I have a burning desire to use 'spoony bard' as an insult (though I'm always too embarrassed to do so). It's a wonderful game and I'm glad it got a sequel.
But Final Fantasy VI is the Empire to FFIV's Star Wars.
For anyone annoyed at my repeated use of acronyms - it gets very tiresome writing out Final Fantasy. Plus, the burden's on ME to not accidentally switch the 'V' and the 'I.' This could get very confusing.
FFVI is dark; it's sweeping; it's got one of the evilest (if incredibly motivation-less) villains. Really - Kefka is Final Fantasy's Joker (the Heath Ledger one). The world ends . . . HALF WAY THROUGH THE GAME. And it's got an enormous cast of characters who each have a complex back story. Yes, yes, FFIV had three dimensional characters too, but did you ever go meet FuSoYa's disapproving parents? Did Rydia ever have to go on a symbolic dream-journey to release her mother's spirit and memory to the afterlife? Did you ever find out about Yang's first love, who died tragically, before he settled down with his frying-pan-wielding wife? I love the characters of FFIV, and was more than happy to see them again in a new story (and to see Kain have an expanded role), but the guys I really want to revisit are the heroes of FFVI.
A few caveats: I'm aware that part of the appeal of FFVI is that the story ends with ambiguity. Do all the heroes make it out of Kefka's tower? Does the world survive the destruction of magic? Does Terra survive the destruction of magic (probably - she is on the airship at the end)?
Hmmm . . . I'm kinda worrying now that I'm misremembering FFVI and am instead remembering Secret of Mana - did they have the same basic plot? Whatever - no matter.
Anyway, the open ending was a perfect finish for a story whose ultimate moral was "Yeah, you're probably going to fail, chaos will most likely win out, but you have to try anyway." So, maybe a sequel would defeat that level of severity in the climax. Did they survive or didn't they? That's a key draw to the end of the game.
But maybe that uncertainty could continue on into the sequel. Remember halfway through the game when you wake up as Celes on a deserted island and are completely unsure where the rest of your party is. Maybe that could be the premise of the sequel. Except, whereas in the first game, you're pretty sure you're going to find your friends (eventually), in the second, maybe it's not so clear. Maybe some of them are dead (Gau).
Like most stories, FFVI deals with the battle, but not the clean-up. Maybe that's what this sequel's about. And to start, begin the character not with a naive protagonist off to see the world and discover what life's all about, but with a jaded, enigmatic assassin whose back story can unfold in more than random dream sequences. Yeah - Shadow. What if Shadow's on some massive job, and keeps running into his old friends (or finding their graves, or offspring). Maybe some of them join up, maybe not. Maybe he's not on some big job, but keeps hinting that he is, but really he's just trying to find Interceptor (his dog - I don't know why I clarified that of all my references to the game, but it seemed appropriate).
I've gone on too long about this one entry (I've got a few more), but it's a dream game of mine, though lest you think I've been building these ideas for a while - I haven't. I thought this all up while trying to fall asleep last night. Anyway, I'd buy that for a dollar is all I'm saying.
2. Princess Tomato update
So, back in the days of the NES, there was a little known "point-and-click" adventure called Princess Tomato in the Salad Kingdom. A silly game where you play Sir Cucumber out to rescue Princess Tomato. It was quirky, had some odd notions of humor, some incredibly vague puzzles that were sometimes maddening to figure out, and an aesthetic that was uncomfortably close to the Veggietales (whom I abhor, the indoctrinating bastards). Ok, really, the only similarity is that all the characters were based on fruits or vegetables. But still . . .
It's standard 'rescue the princess' fare, and to be honest, though I bought it for the Virtual Console about two years ago (oh, yes, it's available), I have yet to finish it on any of my attempted play throughs. Either the point-and-click stuff is too slow-moving for me these days, or my nostalgia-glasses are off and the game was never anything special.
And yet, part of me refuses to believe that. The game apparently has a cult following (what doesn't these days, though?) and it certainly stuck in my mind enough to look for it on Virtual Console. And usually the best material nags at you incessantly until you give in. So that's what I want - an updated Princess Tomato game. They did it with Kid Icarus. They've done it with big guns (Mario, Kirby, Link, Star Fox). Where's my Princess Tomato game?
What kind of game would it be? Obviously point-and-click won't fly anymore, but that Myst-sense of puzzle solving in an unhelpful world could remain. In this case, the world is populated by unhelpful, cryptic fuckers who call you pervert (seriously - I learned that word from this game - though that fact sounds worse than it actually is). Maybe it would be an Animal Crossing style game with a lot more direction. Maybe there's an online multiplayer aspect. Maybe you can build your own character (Sir Plantain for me). I clearly haven't thought this one out as much as the FFVI sequel - but that's just it. I can't figure out why this game had so much appeal, but it still does to me. So there's something there. Something quirky and obscure, but something nonetheless.
Unfortunately, the incredibly small cult following and overall bizarre atmosphere of the game ensures this remake scenario is entirely unlikely.
3. A Star Wars game where I fight a Skeleton-Rancor
That's awfully specific, and this may be a short, short entry, but seriously - how cool would that be? A rancor - but it's a skeleton too. Obviously reanimated with the Force, or the voodoo equivalent of the Force or something, but a SKELETON RANCOR.
Actually, Skeleton Rancor would make either a good band name. Or album name.
I dunno - they'd probably make it do some stupid dance though.
I've got nothing else on this one. Just . . . Skeleton Rancor.
4. Lego Doctor Who
I'm probably the only person over the age of 13 who has an undying love for the Lego video games. Lego Star Wars, Lego Indiana Jones, Lego Harry Potter, Lego Pirates of the Caribbean, Lego Batman - soon, Lego Lord of the Rings and Lego Batman Plus Other DC Characters.
The games are slightly repetitive, but unlike other franchises that release literally the same game over and over with updated weapons, rosters, etc., I get the sense that these games are actually just improving on the original model. That's kind of bullshit, but there has been marked improvement from the earliest to the latest one. Each seems to reconfigure its formula to fit the franchise it's playing off of (Hogwarts castle in Harry Potter Years 1-4 . . . only $14 dollars separates me from playing Years 5-7 . . . in particular is stunning). I don't know - I'm not here to defend the series. It's fun. It's easy. It's mindless in the right way (the Zen way). But what I really want is Lego Doctor Who.
Thoughts: instead of using the Force to build/rebuild things made of Legos (a la Lego Star Wars) you use your sonic screwdriver
When The Doctor regenerates, he merely switches Lego heads. Well . . . at first. Then he finds a new outfit.
Obviously, there's less emphasis on fighting as The Doctor does not fight. But he could disable Daleks with the screwdriver, stun Sontarans in the back of the neck, keep his eye on Weeping Angels . . . hmm . . . I forget how you defeat Cybermen. Nonetheless, there are plenty of ways to defeat the baddies without resorting to violence. And besides - only The Doctor can't resort to violence. What if you could play as The Master? Lightning hands!!
Each season would be a world with the usual five or six levels - yes, that would be more worlds than usual. If cuts were necessary, they could do one world for each Doctor (obviously I'm only referring to the series since 2005) - but imagine "Silence In The Library." Imagine "The Time of Angels." Imagine "42." Imagine all these great episodes as levels! They could be fun.
Again, since there's less emphasis on combat and brawling, the game would focus more on platforming and puzzle elements. I imagine something closer to the deserted island level of Lego Pirates of the Caribbean (the first movie section) - but that could still be fun.
The TARDIS is obviously the hub station in between levels.
Finally - Playing as River Song. You want fighting and shooting - well, you get her.
The only main issue is the 'finding a special power for every playable character' motif of the previous games. What would Rose's power be? I guess maybe she could find hidden graffiti and become Bad Wolf for a period of time - like the Mario Bros. Starman. But Martha? She could heal people, I guess - so could Rory. What would Donna do? Or Amy? These are all good characters, but I'm having trouble imagining how they'd translate effectively to a video game.
Anyway, just some thoughts. It'd never happen. These games are made based off established, massive franchises, and as big as Doctor Who may be in some quarters, I don't think it's on level with Star Wars or Batman. Still - I'd buy it.
5. Earthbound
Seriously, any form of Earthbound. Preferably a new one. Maybe the one that was already released in Japan (it wasn't released here, right?). Hell, I'd take a Virtual Console of the SNES game - I understand (though have not verified it) that there is copyright issues with the music, but - hell, did that hold up Wonder Years? Well, yes it did, but still, it's on Netflix Watch Instant NOW. They found a way around it. Now come on! My SNES is broken and I want to revisit the world of Mr. Saturn, or the Apple Kid, or Fuzzy Pickles and towns named after numbers, of bizarre rock'n'roll references and using a yo-yo as a weapon. Please, just give me something connected with Earthbound. That's all I ever wanted really. And Smash Bros. doesn't count.
So, nerdage is complete for the day. I know none of these is ever going to happen, but speculation is fun sometimes. And if any of these do exist in some form, by all means, let me know.
Until then, here's the closest thing I'll get to my Lego Doctor Who game . . .
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